You may be married to a Filipina if...

While this has circulated on the internet for quite some time, I have no idea who originally wrote it, though there can be NO doubt that the fella has a Filipina wife...by the way, this is all in good fun, so I hope no one is offended by some of the broader generalizations here. Some of these items I didn't understand myself, but most struck a familiar chord, and my wife enjoyed it (well, most of it), so I figure it's safe for public consumption.

You may be married to a Filipina If... (written by an American guy who loves his Filipina wife in spite of the numerous irregularities):

* Your refrigerator is always full but you cannot find any food that you recognize

* Instead of a dowry, you got the whole bill for the wedding and honeymoon

* Most of the decorations in your house are made of wicker

* You are expected to be able to read her mind just by watching her eyebrows move up and down and by the way her lips are pointed

* All her relatives think your name is "Joe"

* The instant you are married you have 3,000 new close relatives that you can't tell apart

* Your house isn't really on fire, you've just got a very charred fish on top of the stove burner

* All the desserts are sticky and all the snacks are salty

* She eats her fruit with giant salt crystals and her fried chicken with ketchup

* Even the ketchup tastes weird...very weird

* You throw a party and everyone is fighting to chop the leathery skin off a dead pig

* All your kids have 4-5 middle names

* Your in-laws take 10 years to acknowledge your existence and to call you by something other than "that white guy"

* You try to call her up on the phone and someone tells you "for a while" and you want to know "for a while, what??"

* You are trying to go to sleep and she keeps asking for the comFORT'r, and you ain't got a clue what she's talking about

* Your first Christmas present is some funny looking, baggy, see-thru shirt made out of leftover lace doilies

* Your phone bills are composed mostly of international and calls that average 3 hours each

* She sweeps with something that witches usually fly around on

* Her idea of classy, expensive champagne is Asti Spumante

* The rice cooker is on 24 hours a day and uses up 50% of your electricity and food budget

* On your first trip to the Philippines, you have 18 giant boxes that weigh 1000 pounds each and your "carry on" luggage requires a small forklift truck

* The same luggage is over filled with things that cost an average of 15 cents each like old magazines and M&Ms -- the worst part is when you get off the plane, the same stuff you've been hauling around half way around the world is available in every store in the airport for half the price!

* All her pajamas look like they were worn by the Dalai Lama until they got too faded and he discarded them

* The first time she's pregnant you have to go out at 4:00 in the morning looking for some weird type of greasy sausages, green mangoes and bagoong

* You buy a new $500 freezer so she can store 200 pounds of SPAM and CORNED BEEF that was on sale

* Everything in your house was bought on sale, even if you don't need it ... that it was a "bargain" is all that matters

* She gets really excited by sucking the fat out of pig knees

* Your daughter gets her ears pierced when she's 2 minutes old but your sons are not circumcised until they turn 21

* All your postage bills instantly double

* You hire a Ya-Ya because your wife ckeabs mirrors with soap and a sponge and the Ya-Ya seems cheaper than a divorce

* The only "white meat" she likes is YOU. And that's if you're lucky...

* Her favorite sauce is called "patis." Americans call it turpentine

* She actually thinks that bowling and golf and billiards are real sports and are more important than baseball and football

* You were married 5 years before she explained to you that "ARAY!" doesn't mean "ooh, baby!"

* She prefers bistek to beef steak

* Her idea of new upholstery is rinsing the bagoong stains out of the slip covers

* She can eat and talk at the same time; in fact that's her specialty!

* Her favorite meal is leftovers, her favorite fancy dessert is Jell-O mold and for something REALLY romantic, she'll offer you a halo-halo with 2 straws

* You still don't know the difference between manong and manok

* She and the kids are always saying "Daddy made utot" and you still don't know what it means, but they think it's pretty funny

* Other than eyebrow raising and lip puckering, her next most expressive form of communication is grunts and pssst's

* She goes to the movies just for the AC

* Her homeland has more Megamalls than islands

* Before every holiday and visit, her sisters fax you a 10 page "bilins" list which says "suggestion only"

* Your kitchen table has a merry-go-round in the middle

* All the vegetables she buys at the Filipino store look like they were grown at Chernobyl

* Her friends are named Chinky, Girlie, Boy and Bimbo and NO, you are not allowed to smirk

* Her home economics course only taught shopping, eating and siesta; cooking, cleaning and sewing were not electives

* Her idea of edifying reading is gossip magazines

* All your place settings have the silverware backwards and there are no knives

* She washes her hair with a bucket and her car with a broom

* Her favorite book (she has 3 copies) is "1001 New Recipes for Pig Parts You Were Gunna Throw Out"

* You are the only family in a 200 mile radius with 2 Betamaxes, 3 televisions

* She's done her best job planning a surprise party for you if she manages not to tell you about it until a week or two before

* She "cleans" her closet by throwing all the crap into your closet

All original materials on this website (www.asawa.org, www.filipinawives.com) are copyrighted by the author, Bob Lingerfelt, 1997 -2007  with materials on file at the U.S. Copyright Office.  No reproduction is authorized, in any form, without express permission of the author.