The Problem with "Submission"

I've exchanged thousands of emails over the years with western men who are in relationships with Filipinas.  Some are married, some engaged, but most are still in the earliest stages of their search.   There are several themes that arise repeatedly in these binary exchanges, and one of the most prominent among them is the westerner's desire to create a marriage that uses a "traditional" power-sharing arrangement.  Which is to say, the men want to "wear the pants" in the family. (Presumably, the wives can wear pants, also, just not THE pants.  You know, the ones with the patch?).  

Thus enters the mythic, submissive Asian wife, often the much-celebrated Filipina, who is renowned for her family focus and marital ethic.  Given her reputation, it's only logical that a western man would seek out a Filipina to fulfill his wish to be the "man of the house".  

Personally, I don't care why a man and woman marry, so long as they are compatible.  I think it's wrong for society to impose any role on anyone, if it deprives someone of happiness, so long as the individual is not harming anyone else.  If a guy wants to be the alpha-male and his prospective wife is looking for an alpha-male, then by all means those two folks should get together.   There are also a lot of submissive guys out there who, unconsciously or not, seek out dominant wives (the proverbial "hen pecked" husbands).  Something for everyone. 

But sometimes I hear from fellas looking for a submissive wife and alarms go off in my head.  Okay, so you're looking for a wife who want “a boss".  Surely there are a few women out there who are looking for a take-charge kind of guy, provided that you're a decent fellow in all other ways.  There are indeed many women, including a number of Filipinas, who are actually anxious to play the role of "traditional" wife and who could be exactly what you're looking for. 

The problem is this: Some of the guys looking for a submissive wife do not, in my mind, exhibit the one crucial trait necessary for a successful relationship with such a woman.  Leadership. The ability, as a husband, to lead. 

In the military, one can gain rank by simply simmering long enough at a given position and not making any serious blunders.  One can become an officer simply by attending college and completing a few ROTC courses and doing a summer of training on some Army base in Kentucky.  And it's a fact that rank in itself does mandate a certain level of respect.  The military could not operate if every man had to prove himself personally to every person of subordinate rank who's path he crossed.  

However, to be a true leader, you have to possess certain skills and you have to demonstrate those skills when called upon to do so. Yes, you're a Major, but are you a leader?  You have a company of soldiers or Marines at your command, but do you know what to do with them?  They will accept you as their leader and will follow your orders but in return, you must treat them with respect and work with them toward some specific goal. 

Now, if you (as a civilian) are looking for a submissive wife, you should immediately ask yourself if you're capable of being a leader.  It is not enough that you do not like being led.  You must wish to lead yourself.  Otherwise you should be looking for an "equal", not a submissive, wife.  Which is quite alright.  The trick is not to confuse the two desires. 

Many guys I hear from are very vocal in their desire to be alpha-males, but hint that they are not really prepared to take on that role.  They complain that their penpals don't write them frequently enough and that they, in turn, write the girls practically begging for more letters.  If the girl spends her food or schooling "allowance" on clothes, the guys bitch, but then send more money.  They say or write things like "can I be the boss?"  You folks catch the irony in that? 

If you are not able or willing to lead in a marriage of your own arrangement, a marriage where both you and your wife desire a male-dominated nuclear structure,  then your marriage is doomed.  Presumably a "submissive" wife needs a strong husband, a man who can tackle life's difficulties, make tough decisions, and who can provide for and protect her.  Perhaps the gal's father was such a figure, and perhaps he garnered her respect and love, and perhaps it is for that reason that she seeks a man who offers her a similar environment in marriage.  

If you have convinced such a gal that you are the man she's looking for, then you have an obligation to play your role.  You must exude a quiet confidence in all you do and you must not repeatedly ask her "what do you think?" or "what do you want to do?" when a tough decision is called for.  You must make the hard calls.  You must earn a decent paycheck and have real aspirations and demonstrate to her that you are a man with a mission.  You must show character and strength and compassion, because you have taken it upon yourself to seek out the kind of woman who admires those traits, and who needs those traits to remain happy.

In the event you are not capable of being the man you promised to be prior to your marriage, you should not be shocked when your wife takes charge herself.  Odds are she's had it a hell of a lot tougher than you have in life.  She may have been very poor as a child, gone hungry and scrounged for food, slept on the floor, fought off a dozen serious illnesses with no medical care whatsoever, and had bad teeth simply yanked from her mouth.  There's a fair chance that she grew up in an area populated by communist insurgents, Muslim separatists, or corrupt army and police officials, an area where violence is commonplace and where being tough is a requisite for survival.  She may have been cooking and taking care of a family twice as large as yours by the time she was 10 years old. 

So don't think for a second that a Filipina, even a "submissive" one, is not fully capable of getting the job done when you fail her.   While a Filipina may be enthusiastic about have a strong, firm husband, if she recognizes that you are in fact merely a weak man who was merely hoping for a similarly weak woman to marry, she will resent you, and then she will surprise you by taking the reins you've never bothered to lift yourself.  And then you will resent her for not being the submissive gal you were promised, and you will not even realize that you've undone your own marriage. 

Know thyself.  If you aren't capable of leadership, do not seek out a woman who wishes to be led.  

By the way, being in charge does NOT mean being abusive.  Just because a woman consents to you "being the boss", you do not have the right to behave violently toward her.  Physical and verbal abuse are signs of weakness, not strength.  That you could even think of striking a woman half your size, who has no way of defending herself, is a sure sign of a deep-seated insecurity.  What's next, attacking puppies with a hammer?  Violence has nothing to do with leadership.  She knows that, and you need to, also.  

So there it is.  There's nothing wrong with a man and woman dividing power in their marriage, and if the woman indicates that she prefers her husband to have a larger share of that power, so be it.  Just make sure you understand that being the boss means you have more responsibilities, not less. 

Also, it's very important that you understand that "Filipina" is NOT synonymous with "submissive."  This is good news for some of you, bad news for others.  On the downside, those of you who thought you could pretty much just pick a gal out of a lineup and marry her without really getting to know her - sorry, it ain't like that.  You might end up with a real tiger on your hands, so you better reconsider those stereotypes before you make a big mistake.  Sure, there are submissive Filipinas, just like there are submissive Americans and Germans.  But don't assume that any gal is the one you're looking for based on her nationality alone! 

On the upside, those of you who are not looking for a submissive wife, guess what?  There are millions of Filipinas who would be more than happy to enter into an equal-status relationship with you.  There are even a few who are willing to take charge, if that's your cup of tea. 

Me, I'm a coffee man.  But to each his own.

All original materials on this website (www.asawa.org, www.filipinawives.com) are copyrighted by the author, Bob Lingerfelt, 1997-2005 with materials on file at the U.S. Copyright Office.  No reproduction is authorized, in any form, without express permission of the author.