The way in which we express ourselves, communicate our wishes, and respond to stress is a very unique, subjective, and individual process. To further compound this intricate process we now add a cultural component to it. In this section we will take a look at the similarities and dissimilarities of "Coping Skills" between American and Philippine cultures. 

     Wow, you talk about "Sulking!" My Filipina mother in law is a pro at that one! If Lola disagrees with you it will be seen indirectly with a "mok mok" facial expression that may persist for weeks at a time, accompanied by avoiding eye contact with you and not talking to you. As a New Yorker I was accustomed to my grandmother's and mother's very direct and "In Your Face" approach. When I did something wrong I got immediate feedback! I didn't have to scratch my head wondering what I did wrong. Now contrast Lola's lack of assertiveness with the behavior of her daughter (my Asawa - who is very Americanized having lived here 25 years). I wonder if being "Americanized" is a bad thing? Wifey is very assertive, aggressive, and "In Your Face". I rarely have to guess why she is angry, except during those very infrequent periods that she reverts back to those behaviors she developed in the Philippines (such as crying or sulking). 

Sulking "Tampo"- Since Filipinos are not allowed to express anger or resentment, sublimated hostility takes the form of sulking and withdrawal of customary cheerfulness in the presence of one who has displeased them. 
Culture Shock p.211 
by Alfredo and Grace Roces 

     I spoke to a Filipina Co-worker Sally-R.N. about this and she replied, "Magmula akong tumira dito sa America natuto akong magsalita o sumagot."
(Since I arrived in America, I've learned how to speak my mind)

     Is this a "Cultural Thing" or what? My wife is a real pack rat/horder - she has so much junk that she doesn't need! Pendants, restaurant napkin collections, matchbooks, pencils and pens (with names of places she has been to), old birthday cards, clothes she no longer fits in to, momentos, trinkets, old passports from her "GreenHorn days", a hat collection, a plastic knife and fork collection, a manger collection, an old skate collection, a book collection (books she read 20 years ago with yellowed pages, half of which have already fallen out), a candle collection (I think she is saving them for a power failure), a holiday decoration collection, a flag collection (I feel like I live in a government building; every holiday I have to put up another flag). 
"Don't you dare throw that out!"
"But Honey you have no use for that junk, it's just taking up space!"
"I need all of it! 

     I'm at work in the E.R. attending to an "Asthmatic patient" who by chance just happens to be a Filipina. She presents orthopneac, tachypneac (RR=30), with accessory muscle use, tripoding, speaks in 1-2 word sentences. Pt. is also very tearful (I was wondering what that crying was about). Later on s/p tx. with a saline lock, 125mg Solumedrol, Epi-sc, Terbutline 1-HFN of Albuterol and a Mini-heart, I asked her, "What's wrong?"
     "It's not important," she replies in Tagalog.
     "No please I'm concerned for you," I replied. "Please tell me what's wrong." (I'm thinking that I may not be able to help her, but the story will make good content for my web site).
     She says, "I don't trust him! It's because of him that I'm here! Because of him I'm having Asthma!" Note: Being an American married to a Filipina I am very accustomed to being blamed for everything that goes wrong in the house, so I can instantly sympathize with whatever "him" she's talking about. 
     She continues, "It's his fault I'm sick! I think he has a girlfriend."
     The boyfriend walks in and she becomes silent. "Are you feeling better Sweety?" he asks.
     "Sweety nothing" she replies with a look that could KILL. 
     With that she gets up off the Gurney and stomps out of the room to the BR. The American boyfriend, "John," asks me, "Mike are all the Filipinas so jealous?"
     "I don't know," I reply. "I can only speak for my Filipina wife, my Filipina friends, nurses, and relatives, and the countless number of Filipinas that I have met over the last 20 years....so the answer is 'Hell Yeah!' You're playing with fire! You're mixing with another culture that plays by a whole new set of rules! What did Tita accuse you of doing?"
     "She accuses me of fooling around with another woman."
     "Is there any truth to that?"
     "No! She tried to call me on my cell phone at work and I didn't answer the phone - she calls me about six times a day at work to check up on me."
     "What does not answering your phone have to do with being unfaithful?" I asked.
     "Tita told me that the reason I didn't answer the phone was because I didn't have the phone with me, because it was in my pants pocket which I had to have taken off to have sex with a girl!"
     "Oh...okay, that makes a lot of sense," I reply.  It sounds like something my wife would say.
     John adds, "I don't hang out at night. During the week I'm home watching 'Tool Time' and 'King of the Hill' and on Friday we watch 'Millennium'.  If I come home from work a few minutes late, Tita asks me, 'Where were you? Who were you with?'"
     I say, "Get used to 'Culture Shock' John! Whenever you are with Tita, keep your eyes looking forward, and when in the presence of any young pretty girls, don't dare
glance at one - or you will be the next John Wayne Bobbitt."

     My wife must be one of the most jealous Filipinas in the world. Here I am one of the most trustworthy, devoted, faithful, loving, caring, attentive, veracious, noble, honorable, virtuous, reputable and loyal husbands that a woman could ever dream of (she has never caught me in bed with another woman) and yet in the face of all of these wonderful qualities she still distrusts me! Although I have a tendency to admire the human form (the Young Female form that is) I have had no extra-terrestrial - ahhh, I mean extra-marital - affairs to date that I would admit to (really now if I had would I be stupid enough to admit it anyway)? Back to Wifey...both my first wife (the Italian) as well as the 2nd (the Filipina) are insanely jealous. If my Filipina catches me looking at another girl she will make a big scene and walk out of the store or restaurant, saying "If you want to F#@%$^ that WHORE so bad then go run after her," or, "Sige ka I'll cut your $#%@ off!" (which translates to Filipina version of the Bobbitt procedure).
     Most of the Filipinas that I spoke to about this concur that the idea of a man cheating on the wife is instilled in them in the Philippines because it happens so often there. If it's not dad cheating on mom then it's the uncle playing around. So hearing that, it's easy to see why these ladies are so paranoid and possessive! I'm told of an old Philippine saying that illustrates the wives' lack of trust in their husbands: "If the palay would go over to the Chicken, of course the Chicken would peck it!"

     Americans love the Beach! For the most part Caucasian Americans can never get tan enough! I mean, Americans are so obsessed with getting darker that we go to "Tanning Booths" to get an artificial tan in the winter! Body Builders use toner, Teens fry the sun in Miami at Spring Break. Darker tans look sexier, and healthier.

Charri and Mike

 

     Now compare the Americans' thirst for dark skin with the Filipinas' desire to avoid getting darker. Lets look at a typical day at the beach with my friends and wife. Lola -she wears a hat on sunny days at the beach because, "Nagsusuot ng sombrero si Lola tuwing araw nang tag init dahil sa kutuwiran na Ayoko magkaroon ng kuto sa buhok." (She thinks she will get bugs in her hair because of the heat)
     Velma-"Mainit sa labas, ayoko magiging itim." (It's too hot, the sun will make me dark)
     Now I, as a caucasian American, just can't get enough of the sun. Instead of hiding under a tent or hat or using sun tan lotion to block out or reduce the sun, I use tanning oil to increase the tan.
     Becky-"Masyadong mainit sa labas." (It's too hot outside)
     Me-"Then why don't you jump into the water and cool off?"
     Becky-"Because the salt in the water makes me itch!"
     Me, to Charri -"Well, why aren't you going into the water?"
     Charri-"Because the water is too cold."
     Me-"This is the last time I bring this group to the beach! I would have less trouble pleasing Goldi Locks and the 3 Bears than this group!"